The Slow Unravelling

By Dr Teedzani Thapelo

i wake with the weight of sixty years, the days pressed deep into my skin
each wrinkle a map of lost vitality, a fading memory of strength
my bones creak as i rise, joints groan with the labour of living
the mirror reflects a stranger’s face, each sagging line a betrayal;
once, i stood tall, broad, full of promise, but now, my body betrays me
genes that once pulsed with vigour weaken, unravelling my essence…
where is the man i once was, fierce in his masculinity, confident in his path?
the food i once devoured now clogs my veins, slowing me down
disease gnaws at my insides, relentless, a silent thief;
work becomes a heavier burden, every sunrise a reminder of survival
how many days left to fight this battle of decay and degradation?
and still, i ask: who am i, in this crumbling shell of a man?
what is the purpose of life, when the body fails, when passions wither?
are these desires, once fierce and consuming, now hollow, dangerous illusions?
masculinity feels like a fading echo, lost in the struggle between sexes:
what is left when manhood, once a shield, begins to disintegrate?
emasculation rises like a storm, sweeping away the certainty i once knew
is this humiliation, this bodily shame, a punishment, or just life’s course?
or am i trapped in some purgatory, bound by cruel, unseen hands?
how many more days to atone, to mend what has been broken?

who will carry my legacy, the mighty oats i once sowed, now withering?
where are my sons, my daughters, the fruit of my labour, my pride?
they vanish like shadows, leaving me to face this strange fate alone…
the decay creeps, even in the simplest acts, like washing away in a shower,
i stand, naked, vulnerable, my strength dissolving with the water
was it all in vain, this fight, this struggle, this pride in being man?
the years strip away everything, leaving me to confront the truth
my body is no longer my own, it belongs to time, to entropy, to death
the man i was, the colossus of my youth, is but a whisper in the wind
and now I am left to reckon with what remains;
how many more mornings will i rise to face the sun, weary but unbowed?
or is the day coming when i will not rise at all, my time finally spent?
and still, i ask, who am i, in this unravelling, this slow fading?

am i more than this decaying flesh, more than the sum of my lost vitality?
the answers slip through my fingers like water, elusive, uncertain
but still, i rise each day, still i breathe, still i endure
for this is life, this is the path we all must walk
the question remains: will i walk it with grace, or crumble beneath its weight?
i search for meaning, for purpose, in the decay, in the struggle
and though i may falter, though i may weaken, i will not give up
i will face the rising sun again, and again, and again.

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Thapelo is winner of the Botswana Book Centre Scholarship, Tutume McConnell College, Institute of International Education Fellowship, University of New York, and Africa Guest Researcher Visitor Scholarship, Nordic Africa Institute, Sweden. Thapelo is also second runner-up winner of the 2017 and 2019 Share Botswana Tourism Fiction Awards. He is author of the Botswana historical novel Seasons of Thunder (2020), 2nd Edition (1445 pages), Omnibus volume, Ironmantle Books, Virginia, USA. 

In Botswana he has published poems, “Okavango Delta’’, in 36 Kisses and Other Stories: Anthology of Botswana Writers, Nascali Publishers, Gaborone (2018), and “Dry Heart’’, in Blue Train: Anthology of Botswana Writers, Nescali Publishers, Gaborone (2020). Thapelo has published several poems and short fiction in Petlwana: Journal of Creative Literature and the Arts, including the poems “Madness, Learns to Fly,” “Heretic Mountain” and “Lost in the Screen Light”, and the short story “Dry Season.”